


Have you ever looked at fear in the face and crumbled?

by Rebeliz



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015), supercorp - Fandom
Genre: Anger, Angst, Canon Divergence, F/F, Heartbreak, Mon-El being a nice guy, Sadness, Second person POV, So much angst, childish and boyish but still nice, if that makes sense, lost of control, one true love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 03:09:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9859433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebeliz/pseuds/Rebeliz
Summary: After four months together Lena and Kara are happy and despite Lena's trust issues, she's opened up to love Kara completely and Kara knows how important trust is for Lena and their relationship. When Lena finds out that Kara is Supergirl and has been hiding it from her for four months, she's left feeling like a complete fool.





	1. Chapter 1

“You knew?” You ask as fear envelops you from head to toe. You’re not sure how to breathe suddenly and you’re afraid to step any closer to the now volatile creature in front of you.

“I suspected it since you went missing the same day Supergirl was nowhere to be found.” She says before a gasp and a sob get stuck on her throat and she turns away. A hand covers her mouth as she attempts to hide her tears and you feel yours begin to fall.

You still can’t move and when you blink more tears roll down your cheeks, not that you can wipe them out.

_There was an attack, a small group of Cadmus most loyal men tried to take Lena away and you were almost too late to save her. Now your  mind keeps reminding you of the details that brought you to this moment and you can’t stop thinking about the look in Lena’s eyes as one of the men held her at gunpoint._

_You could hear his heart beating wildly just before he shot and you flew to catch the bullet before it hit Lena’s chest. You’ve never been as tempted to take a human life as you did in that moment. You broke his wrist in an incredible show of control but he wasn’t the only one pointing a gun at Lena and the next bullet grazed her arm and that’s when you came face to face with fear itself._

_Lena fell to the ground, blood dripping down her forearm and in your haze to get to her you believe you heard the sound of more bones cracking but you can’t be sure, all you could hear were Lena’s cries and the rapid beat of her heart as she grew more scared._

_There were more people around you, hostages that needed your aid, people who believe in Supergirl but in that moment nothing else mattered, only Lena._

“Lena, I - ” You halt, not really knowing how to begin but wanting to try anyway. You have to fix this and that’s all you know

“It doesn’t matter.” Lena shakes her head and takes a deep breath to compose herself before she turns back around to face you and you know what she sees and it makes you flinch back.

“Lena, just let me explain.” You grow desperate because she’s being so culminating right now and her walls are coming back up quicker than you expected.

“You don’t have to.” Lena says, runs her hands on the front of her tight red skirt and moves behind her desk, picking up a stack of papers as she goes. You can hear her heartbeat, you know how anxious she’s feeling but you can’t ignore her patched arm and you know you have to save this.

“I do.” You disagree, grateful that she’s not crying anymore but still unable to move. This is your chance.

_When Alex arrived at the scene and found you fussing over a bleeding Lena, she made it her personal task to see that Lena was attended first while shooting warning looks at you that you didn’t understand right then._

_Lena was bleeding and that was all you knew, you couldn’t have hidden your feelings even if you had remembered that Lena didn’t know about you being Supergirl. You’ve never been more scared in your life and you had forgotten. You had forgotten. And you didn’t eve really realize that you were kissing Lena’s temple and murmuring reassuring words close to her ear until Lena said your name and the whole world stopped around the discovery that very well could cost you the love of your life._

_It’s been four months, four incredible months that you’ve been together. Rao knows that you’ve tried to tell her about Supergirl since the beginning of your relationship but it always came down to the DEO and another threat and another connection to the Luthors, and you’ve been torned about it for four months, keeping a secret from your girlfriend when you knew how important trust was, especially for Lena._

“You don’t!” Lena spits out, hands now gripping the edge of her desk and betrayed eyes locked on you. “I thought you trusted me the way I trusted you. I was so obviously mistaken.”

“You were not.” You immediately fight back, aware of the use of past tense and finally moving to surround the desk and come close enough to touch her  but not entirely daring to. “You are not mistaken. I trust you, This has nothing to do with us.”

“Nothing to do with us?” Lana laughs humorlessly and you want to take it back. “Is that why you hid yourself from me. Because you trust me?” Lena laughs brokenly, self-deprecatingly and you hate it.  

“I do trust you, Lena. I love you.” Lena laughs louder, tears spring out of her eyes and she walks backwards, wanting to be away from you and it hurts to know that she can’t be near you. “But I do not work alone.” You finish anyway. You won’t accept defeat so easily.

“Your identity belongs to you, Kara. You chose to keep this hidden from me. This is who you really are!”

The words hit you hard and it takes you a moment to notice why. You work with the DEO, Hank and Alex always tell you to be wary of the people that you choose to trust and ultimately it was you who decided to wait. Lena is telling the truth but there is more to this picture and you need her to see it.

“I’m sorry.” You apologize, voice breaking and taking a tentative step close to your girlfriend. “I tried to tell you so many times and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“Because you don’t trust me.” Lena concludes and you can’t take it anymore. This is one of the many scars her family has left behind, this insecurity has taken root in Lena’s heart and you knew it, just like you knew that if she ever found out that you are Supergirl things will inevitably shift. There is too much history in between you two, there is her brother and your cousin, the DEO and Supergirl.

You reach out for her hands and luckily she doesn’t fight you. You pull her closer, the sweet smell of her perfume embracing you as you wrap your arm around her waist and pull her incredibly closer to your body. The feeling of having her in your arms is overwhelming and you love her, you love her more than you ever thought you could. You don’t know what you’ll do without her.

“Because I was scared.” You admit and Lena’s puffy eyes clear off all the hurt to be replaced by confusion as she stares up and looks into your eyes. “There are so many people who want to hurt me and what I stand for. There are so many threats I deal with on daily basis that I never wanted you to be exposed to.”

“I can take care of myself.” Lena cuts you off, though her hands are gripping yours now. You kiss her temple fiercely.

“I know you can. I’ve seen how strong you are, how capable, and it makes me love you even more than I already do.”

“Then why hide something like this from me?”

“Because you fell in love with Kara Danvers, not Kara Zor-El.”

It is you the one looks away this time because you’re not sure if you want to find out what she truly feels for this Super. Lena loves her brother, she’s told you in many forms and on many occasions, though she’s not blind to her brother’s madness and never has been. You know her heart, her mind and that’s why you believe in her but there is not denying that it was your cousin who put Lex Luthor in jail, and you know the S on your chest reminds her of what she’s lost.

The cape on your shoulders suddenly feels a ton heavier and it threatens to suffocate you, but you remain still even when Lena takes her hands away from yours.

You feel your heart break and when you look up Lena has her eyes closed, she’s trying to compose herself while your hands tingle in the wake of her touch. You don’t move away but she does step back to lean on the edge of her desk, finally facing you.

Her heart is breaking too and it hurts to know that she’s in pain because she loves you, you know she does and this is so complicated, all of it. You never meant to hurt her, you never meant to lie and you never wanted to jeopardize this relationship.

“You are allowed to keep secrets, Kara. God knows I still keep mine.” Lena starts and you nod your head twice, you understand that.

“I know that.” You  whisper back, scarily, Lena notices and you feel as if you were walking on eggshells.

“But you didn’t just keep a secret from me. You made a fool out of me.”

“That’s not - I didn’t!” You hurry to explain but Lena calmly places her hand on your arm and squeezes lightly, resulting in your sudden silence.

“It’s difficult for me to trust anyone but I trusted you. I fell in love with you and I let you in like I’ve never let anyone in before. And not only did you hid a part of you from me but you let me develop a friendship with that part of yourself pretending to be someone else.”

“I never meant - ”

“I know.” Lena cuts you off again, not unkindly. “I know you didn’t want to hurt me but you still did.”

“And I’m sorry for hurting you. This was never my intention. I never meant to keep this hidden from you. I wanted to tell you from the first time we kissed, I wanted you to know.” You are getting worked up while she remains the face of calmness.

“Why would you trust me back then with something like this?”

“Because you’re you!” You want to shout because you know what her calmness means and you’re not ready to put an end to this, to say goodbye to the woman you love. “And I love you. I love you, Lena. Please, try to be in my shoes for a moment.”

“Okay.” Her voice falters and you instinctively take her hands again, you’re no longer used to be around her without touching her and it shows. She looks at you expectantly and you breathe in deeply. This is not over, it won’t be.

“I wanted things to stay the way they were. Us, loving each other and being happy together without the shadow of what our family did looming over us.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make.” Lena shakes her head, the disappointment so evident in the way she looks at you.

“But it was. I’m the one who knew - ”

“Exactly.” She fiercely cuts you off and pushes you off as she slides away from you. “You are the one who knew everything. Who had all the facts. Where did that leave me?”

“I was trying to protect us.” You fight right back but she’s shaking her head, you’re missing something but you don’t know what it is.

“You were protecting yourself!” She screams and the sound grounds you, forces you to listen. “You thought that if I found out that you are Supergirl, I was going to leave you. You believed that, not me. You doubted me and you decided that it was best if I stayed in the dark about this. You decided to create this abism between us instead of trusting me. And I know, God, I know why you’d choose to hide this from a Luthor. You got my trust as my girlfriend and you got my trust as a friend when you were Supergirl, and I feel like a complete fool for not seeing before. I feel like a fool and you got the whole me. You got all of me!”

Lena’s angry tears hit you like a train on a track and the pain that was pushing on your chest is quick to spread towards every inch of your body. You never meant to become a friend of Lena’s in your Supergirl suit but you were trying to let her know that she is trusted from a different perspective because you knew that she needed to hear it. You were only trying to tell her how _good_ she truly is, that her family’s history doesn’t define her.

“Please, Lena. Please, forgive me.” You beg her and she cries openly at hearing your plea. She’s made her mind and you both know it at this point. “Please, baby. Please, I’ll spend every minute by your side for the rest of our lives making up for this. I swear it.”

She cries and her eyes turn impossibly greener and you love her. She doesn’t recoil when you wrap your arms around her waist again but she doesn’t hug you back either.

“Baby, please, look at me.” You kiss her as soon as she looks up and her lips taste salty and cold, and she doesn’t kiss you back and it feels exactly like the rejection it is.

“Leave.” She brokenly asks against your lips and you shatter. Any resolve that you were holding onto leaves you and you urge your body to stop aching but you know that this pain won’t ever leave you.

“Lena, please.” With both of her hands on your chest she pushes you away and you let her.

“Leave, Kara. I can’t be with you now.”

“Please.” You beg one last time, there is no stopping your tears or hers.

“We’re over. This is over. Thank you for saving my life again but I can’t be with you anymore. Not now.”

The determination in Lena’s tone takes your breath away and you walk backwards a couple of steps before being able to look away from her betrayed eyes.

You’ve been tortured, you’ve been thrown into buildings, you’ve hung on the edge of life time after time but nothing has ever hurt you this much. Lena’s words are a slap and that slap breaks you completely.

You leave but you don’t go back to the life that you knew in the morning.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to update this but I had an idea and I hope you like it.

2.

It begins slowly and with small things, but it spreads quickly. The absence of Supergirl invites all kinds of criminals to walk freely without fear and you can’t find the strength to get up and do something about it.

You know the city needs you but you can’t fight humans when you’re feeling like this. You’d only cause more damage than good and that’s not what Supergirl stands for. Human criminals are not on your radar for now and no other threat is coming up, and you are yearning for a different one to show up so you can work out the pent up energy buzzing through your veins. 

_ This is over.  _

_ This is over. _

Who would have thought that three simple words could break you into pieces like this?  _ This is over.  _ Aren’t you the most powerful woman on earth? How could three words have turned you into this?

The tears continue to fall down your cheeks without your permission and nonstop. They say that crying relieves the soul but so far your soul keeps on breaking. When is the relieve coming? You figure it’ll take much longer to start feeling like yourself again, but you’re not sure that you want to go back there. 

What have you done? Why did you do it? What was the logic that kept repeating itself in your mind over and over again when you wanted to tell her? What was it?

You were keeping her safe, but were you? You never meant to hurt her but that’s exactly what you did. You love her, you’ve never loved like this but you still kept a part of yourself hidden from her. This secret, this superhero persona, is it worth it? Was it worth it?

Another alarm goes off, a woman screams in the distance and the need that pushed you to help before is now numbed. It’s there, you feel it vibrating but it no longer drives you like it did days ago. The need to do good, to use your powers to help mankind, where was it born? Where did it come from? And where did it go?

_ Kara, please. _

Your  sister’s voice has been a constant sound ever since you landed on the top of this mountain. It’s been days but Alex keeps calling you, she knows you’re listening because you promised that you’ll always be. It’s not that you’re listening intently, trying to single her out in a world filled with so much noise. You hear her because you’ve grown accustomed to the sound of her voice and you don’t know how to block it out.

_ Kara, just let me know that you’re alright. Please, just let me know. Please. _

Her voice shatters and you realize that it’s been shattered since she noticed your absence. But it’s not the voice you hope to hear calling your name and that you know won’t be calling you. 

You knew, Rao! You knew this would happen. You knew and you still kept quiet. You kept waiting for the right moment, for the right place, for the right words and Lena continued to call you a friend, a lover, a partner. You hoped, that’s all.

Now you know that the right moment was at the beginning, that the right place was anywhere as long as you were with her and that the right words were the truth. You get it and it makes you so angry to understand it. It makes you even angrier that you considered everything else instead of Lena’s feelings. You kept everyone else in the known when the only person that you wanted to tell was being kept in the dark. 

_ Kara, please. _

No, you won’t be going to your sister. You can’t even think of her without remembering all the times that she pointedly told you that you were dating a Luthor and that you should be careful, and she wasn’t the only one. 

You  _ were  _ dating a Luthor and your love for her wasn’t enough for your friends and family to give her a fair chance. Naively you thought that if you invited her to game night they’d see how quick witted Lena was and they’ll like her, but their conversation was always dull when Lena was in the room, the look in their eyes never cleared from all that distrust and Lena tried, she tried so hard. 

The night has claimed National City again but you remain unmoving on the top of this hill. 

_ Kara, I know you’re hurting but you can’t just disappear like this. _

I can, you want to shout. I can do what I want. I can tell whoever I want. You don’t get to tell me what it’s best for me, not after this. 

It’s not Alex’s fault, of course it’s not and you know it well. You love your sister and you won’t ever stop listening but you’re so angry and you’re not really good at being angry, not even with yourself. 

There is an explosion, another one, but you let the thieves force their way into National City Bank. You can’t go there, not when your hands itch to punch something. Those thieves won’t survive you and the last thing you want is for the City to fear you again. 

_ Supergirl, report to duty. We need you. _

It’s the first time that J’onn is speaking directly to you and an irrational anger fills you up so quickly that you’re flying even before you know what you’re really doing. 

He’s hovering above the DEO building when you spot it. He’s waiting for you and your entire body shakes, you feel mad, insane and you attack him. 

He avoids your punches and doesn’t come after you. He can read your thoughts and all you can think about is how much you hate him. 

“Get out of my head!” You hear glass breaking, exploding by the sheer force of your voice but you don’t look back as you rush to J’onn again. He’s not fighting you and you hate him. You hate his logics and his determination to keep you safe. You hate his advices and the click of his tongue every time he spoke Lena’s name. You hate him and you hate yourself even more for listening. You hate that he’s not trying to hit you.

You scream again, your throat aches by the ferocity of it and you still can’t land a hit on him. You growl, you roar but your fists keep hitting thin air. 

“I quit!” You stop, the look on his face doesn’t change. Is he pitting you? His condescendence has never bothered you this much before. 

“Okay.” He nods and you feel the fire burn beneath your skin taking over your face, you feel it in your eyes and the next time you scream it comes accompanied with a vicious stream of laser beams from your eyes aimed at him. 

He flies faster than you’ve ever seen him fly and you aim higher, but you don’t catch him. 

“Kara!” Alex stands on the balcony of the highest floor of the DEO building and you snap your eyes shut at once. J’onn flies lower instantly and you notice the way he hovers in front of your sister protectively. Does he think that you would attack Alex? Does he know you at all?

“You’re okay.” Alex chokes out, her emotions betraying her as she rushes to get closer. She’s so relieved to see you but you’re far from okay. “I’m so sorry.” She apologizes and your anger returns at once. She can’t feel sorry for your broken heart, for your stupidity, you won’t allow it.

“No, you’re not.” You spit out, J’onn is looking at you like you’re the enemy and you can’t take it. They won’t come now and turn the tables on you to ease their guilt. 

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” You scream and your sister flinches back, you know you sound vicious but you can’t stop. “Isn’t this what you were hoping for every time that you saw her? Weren’t you hoping that she’d stay away from me for good? Weren’t you dreaming for the day she left me?!”

“No, Kara.” Alex cries and you see red, you feel exactly like you did when you were poisoned with Red Kryptonite, only this time is all you, the real you. 

“Well, congratulations.” You clap your hands angrily, sarcastically, you mock bow before them and if they’re looking at you like you’ve lost it then is deserving because that’s exactly how you feel. “To the both of you. Congratulations. Your efforts paid off. The secret that you cared for more than you care about my happiness is out and she hates me for lying. For lying to her, for you!”

“Don’t throw your mistakes at us.” J’onn interrupts you while your sister continues crying, though she fights it and you hate to see her like this, it scares you because you know how strong she truly is but your anger is not going anywhere.

“My mistakes?” You ask incredulously, making a show of hitting your chest with a finger, wanting to rip of the damned suit off of you for good. You want them to know that the thing you care for the most is gone and Supergirl means nothing now. “I wanted to tell her but all of you didn’t trust her. No matter how hard she tried to fit in, to get along with you, it was never enough and I was caught in the middle of it all!”

“Kara.” Alex’s tears are replaced by surprise and you want to laugh because this is so ridiculous. The least they could do is admit that they were treating Lena like crap consciously and not out of a Luthor reflect and pretending like they were protecting you. 

“She was nothing but gracious towards all of you and she didn’t need to be. Not after the way you avoided her and made her feel even more like an alien than when I felt when I got to earth.” Your chest aches, you feel the tears prickling in your eyes but you don’t look away from your  _ family _ . “No more of that.” Your voice betrays you and it breaks. “No more of any of that!”

“So you’re just going to leave?” J’onn asks and you notice the burnt patch on his cape. You almost feel guilty. 

“Why don’t you just read it off my mind, Martian?” Your words hurt him and you don’t have to be able to read his mind to know that, the look on his face speaks for itself.

Alex calls you but you don’t look back as you fly away with no real destination on your mind. Flying doesn’t feel as freeing tonight and sooner than you’d have liked you are forced to land on some roof because your body is shutting down on you. You haven’t eaten in days, you haven’t slept properly in days, you haven’t showered, or drunk anything. Is a wonder you’re still wide awake and haven’t crushed into a building. 

With one last boost of energy you jump and walk inside a pizza joint where the owners are so glad that Supergirl has walked into their place that they let you eat four whole pizzas without charging you a cent. 

You walk absentmindedly down the sidewalk, her heartbeat a constant sound in your ears as you ignore the shocked look in people’s faces as they stare at you. You’ve never walked down the streets with your suit on. 

You focus.

She’s typing on her laptop, her fingers working fast on the keys and you listen, and you feel dirty, and needy, and like you’re trespassing and in a way  _ you are _ , but you can’t bring yourself to stop.

Krypton has never felt more absent than it does right now. People won’t understand what this separation means to you, not even Clark. 

You recall your uncle Daxo and the deep sorrow that followed him wherever he went. You remember his anger, his sadness, his bloody fists and the ever present twist in his forehead. You remember your parents pitying him and feeling sorry for him so often that you came to think of it as normal, poor uncle Daxo. 

You never understood back then, you had never been in love back then. This separation, this endless void that is eating you up is unbearable and the anger is consuming you, you can feel it.

If your parents were to see you now, would they pity you like they did Daxo?

Her heartbeat is constant and there though. Daxo didn’t have that. Daxo was left with an endless silence instead, sentenced to live in a world without his love. How he lived for long enough to break the law and gain a sentence by your mother is incredible and unimaginable. 

You go home but not before shedding your cape and boots in the back of an alley a few blocks down your apartment building. You are so focused on Lena’s heartbeat that you fail to notice the one that is waiting for you outside your door. 

“Hey there, little Danvers.” Maggie looks like she’s been waiting for a while but her face doesn’t show you nothing more than a cheeky grin as she picks herself from the floor where she’s been sitting against your door. 

“What do you want?” You look away, deciding to enter your place and she follows without waiting for an invitation.  You let her. 

“Nothing. I just thought I’d stop by.” The door closes behind her and you turn to look at her. You anger is dulled at the sight of her because before you stands the only person that never made Lena feel as an interruption and always managed to make her smile when she had the chance. 

“I don’t - I’m so tired.” You admit and she doesn’t try to touch you, she doesn’t cuddle you with her concern. She does go to your fridge, pulls out two beers and sits on your couch before offering you one. 

You sit in silence and drink the whole thing at once. It doesn’t do anything for you but you don’t complain. Maggie sits patiently waiting for you to share whatever you want to and you realize that you hold nothing against her, nothing at all. After days of being separated from every aspect of your life Maggie feels so normal sitting next to you but you don’t duel on that fact. 

“My father’s brother, Daxo, lost his wife when I was just a newborn. I didn’t know her, I don’t have a single memory of her but what my parents told me, and the videos that were kept of her.” 

You have never shared this information before and now you know that you didn’t find it relevant until now. You always thought of Daxo as someone unreachable, someone who you couldn’t understand and now - now you wish it’d have stayed that way. 

“My uncle was a hard man. He was quick to snap and throw a punch. He landed in jail on many occasions and when he wasn’t picking up a fight, he was nowhere to be found.”

You chance a look as Maggie sips her beer and you still can’t find any judgement on her face. Lena’s heartbeat is a background sound now, one that you know will remain in your ears forever. 

“Heartbroken people weren’t unheard of in Krypton but they were scarce. Only a few choose to stay alive after losing their significant others. Happy couples could be found everywhere, people in love, whole families living in joy. I didn’t understand the reason behind our society back then. I didn’t understand the pain that forced my people to seek death after losing their wives or husbands.”

“Lena is not dead.” Maggie kindly reminds you and  _ you know _ because you can hear her heart beating even if she’s on the other side of town. 

“Our relationship is.”

“Damn, little Danvers!” Maggie exclaims and she’s all grinning again, throwing an incredulous look at you and slapping your shoulder playfully. “I did not take you for a quieter.”

“She asked me to stay away. Deceiving her the way that I did is the worst thing I could have done to her. You might not get it but trust is something precious for her.”

“Trust is precious for everyone, Kara.”

“I know that.” You sit up and hold her stare. You want her to understand. “Trust is so important to me too and for every meaningful relationship on existence. But for Lena - ” you trail off and Maggie’s openness to listen is so welcome right now.

“The only person she counted on growing up tried to kill her, Maggie. The brother she loved with all her heart sent assassins to murder her. Her stepmother.”

Somehow you know she is starting to get it and you don’t need to go into details, everyone knows who the Luthors are and what they’ve done. Maggie herself has helped you on countless occasions to protect Lena from her stepmother and her brother.

“Trust was something she couldn’t afford to give when I showed up. But Maggie, her heart is so big and she loves so much, she loves so hard that she let me in. She let me in completely. She let me in and told me that trust was important, so important.”

“Kara.” Her hand on yours startles you and you rush to wipe the tears falling down your cheeks. “You fucked up. It happens.”

“No, this is different.” When Maggie holds your hand a second time, you don’t pull away. “This is not something that I can just fix.”

“It is. It is different. But that doesn’t mean that you have to give up. I’ve seen you two together. She loves you as much as you love her.”

“She won’t forgive me.”

“You don’t know that.” 

Maggie’s words stay with you even after she leaves. The last thing you want is to build up your hope but you can’t help it. You can’t help to think of the ways that you could right this wrong. 

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

3.

You return to CatCo and you’re almost grateful that James, your friend and boss, is willing to give you your job back after missing almost a week without notice. He ask about your whereabouts but you shut down that conversation rather quickly and he doesn’t push you to talk about it, which you are thankful for. 

But work isn’t enough to block out Lena from your mind and although you throw yourself into catching up with everything you left in your office unfinished, you seek her heartbeat every few minutes just to check if she’s still there. It doesn’t help that you can tell the way she’s feeling just by the beating of her heart either. 

You’re on edge and the memory of your uncle is a nagging reminder that you carry Krypton in your bones and you don’t really know how to deal with it. 

By the end of the day you feel tired and Maggie’s words are still very much present in your mind but you struggle to know what your next move should be. You know that Lena deserves space from you right now but you also don’t want to give her the impression that you’re giving up.

“Kara.” Rosie smiles at you as you walk inside the elevator next to her. “You’re feeling better?” She asks and you’re tempted to ignore her.

“Yeah.” You answer, playing along with the lie that James has spread about you being sick to justify your absence from work.

“I’m meeting a few people in the bar across the street. You should come and join us.” Rosie extends the invitation and you instantly frown. You don’t want to spend time with Rosie and her friends, you don’t want to be surrounded by people, you don’t to be pulled into meaningless conversation with anyone. 

“Another time perhaps.” You say just the doors slide open and you’re free to go without looking back. 

The thing is that you don’t feel like yourself at all, you can’t find a part of you within so much anger and sadness, and it worries you. You feel yourself drowning and everyone in your life is so far away from you, not because they want to be but because you want them to be.

It doesn’t take very long to get to the highest building in town and this time you seat on the edge of it while wearing jeans and a hoodie. You don’t want to ever see the cape again.

The stars are shy tonight and you smile at the irony of the sky matching your mood. Your memories of Krypton are not what you’d like them to be. You remember the colors more than anything, the vibrant greens and reds, and that’s mostly because you continue to search for them on earth. You remember the flowers and the view of the rivers from your childhood bedroom window. You remember your mother’s smile and perfume, sometimes you even remember the sound of her voice but you can’t recall a meaningful conversation with her, not besides the last words she said to you when she put you in that pod. 

You were too young, you didn’t need the feel to know about sentimental matters just yet. You were happy to learn about science and your father was always eager to teach you but as far as matters of the heart went, you didn’t learn much of it in your home planet and now you realize that you should have paid closer attention when your parents discussed your uncle and his sorrow at least. 

You know that Lena breaking up your relationship isn’t anybody’s fault but yours. You are the master of your fate, no one else is. 

“Hey.” Someone says from behind you and you’re rolling your eyes even before you turn around to find Mon-El perched on the side of the building a floor down from where you sit.

“Mon-El.” He smiles when you say his name and he takes that as an invitation to come and sit next to you.

“What are you doing up here?” He asks as he rubs his hands on the thighs of his jeans. His smile is charming in a way that endears you greatly. They guy from space, just like you. The guy that doesn’t want to be a hero, just like you.

“I wanted to be alone.” You tell him and his smile widens a little. You almost expect him to tell a joke but he just nods his head and looks up at the starless sky. 

“I don’t mean to impose, Kara.” He says and you frown. “People used to talk in Daxam and I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”

“What did people say?” You ask and you almost regret it when he stops smiling. You often forget that he carries the weight of his planet on his shoulders too. It must be the smile on his face, the easiness in which he chooses to live. Just like you.

“There was a saying.” He slowly says, he doesn’t look at you directly. “About heartbroken Kryptonians.”

Your skin feels hot now, you think you know what he’ll say but your uncertainty is taking the best out of you.

“Tell me.”

“I came here to make sure that you’re alright.” He deflects and you sigh. Mon-El is the last person that you want to be talking to about this but he’s also the closest thing to home that you have. 

“I think I know what you’ll say.” His eyes are so sad when he looks at you. “There was a reason why widows and widowers were nonexistence in Krypton.”

“Lena is not dead.” He fiercely says, even more fiercely that Maggie did last night. 

“I feel disconnected Mon-El. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like something within me has been broken. I don’t feel like myself and it scares me.”

You refuse to look at him after you’re done speaking, you’re not sure that you want to see the look on his face right now. 

“Sometimes I forget.” He says, his voice soft and thoughtful. You’re both staring at the sky now, looking for the worlds that you lost. “There’s been times when I think that I’ll just jump on my ship and travel home, that this trip is done and Daxam is waiting for me.”

You feel your heart break anew and you reach out to take his hand. When his eyes find yours again you notice he’s been crying silently.

“Sometimes when I wake up I can almost hear my father calling my name from the kitchen.” You tell him and your voice catches, he squeezes your hand. “But then I hear the cars outside and the newborn in the building next to mine crying and I remember that my father as well as Krypton are gone.”

“Kara.” He looks so young like this, younger than you know he is. “I’m still a Daxamite and you’re still a Kryptonian, even if sometimes we forget that earth isn’t really our home.”

You let go of his hand instantly and his eyes return to look at the sky. “I was supposed to learn about matches and mates when I came of age.”

He chuckles at your admission and you do too. “I was supposed to marry a princess on her twenty first birthday.” He tells you and you groan in response. Daxam was known for it’s arranged marriages, so you’re not really surprised.

You’re left smiling but not because of the story, it’s because of his ability to make you feel slightly better when are working the courage to admit something that somewhere in the back of your mind, you already knew.

“I think.” You say and he brings his hand to your knee to show your support. “I think I lost love, Mon-El.”

“That’s the thing.” He emphasises this with a light squeeze to your knee. “Your love hasn’t gone anywhere. You have not gone anywhere. You can still get your love back.”

“I can’t force this on her, Mon-El.” 

“Then don’t tell her.” Mon-El suggests and you stop to really look at him. “That way you won’t force her to do anything. Humans are different, I’ve seen it and I get it.”

“I don’t want to lie to her ever again.”

“You won’t be lying to her but you said it yourself, you don’t want to force her into anything. Now I don’t know Lena that well but I’m sure that she’s an honorable one, and if she knew she’d do everything in her power to make things right and you don’t want that.”

“You’re sure she’s honorable, huh?” You try to smile but he allows you to rest your head on his shoulder when you sigh tiredly. 

“She must be for you to love her.” His words are almost lost in the wind but you hear them and you appreciate him.

For such a childish guy, Mon-El still manages to surprise you with his compassion and his knack for getting you. It’d have been so easy to fall for him, you almost considered it and he certainly did, but you’re glad that you’re both here and that someone in this entire world at least knows. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

4.

On the seventh day since the break up you see her coming out of the coffee place you used to frequent together.

You almost smile at the sight of her but just when you’re about to open your mouth you remember that she might not be thrilled to see you. You consider walking away, give her the space she asked you but for a reason unknown to you, you simply stay standing in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Kara.” She says your name as soon as her eyes fall on you and your heart jumps inside of your chest, as if waking up from a long nap.

You raise your hand and wave lightly, neither one of you makes to move closer for a couple of seconds and then she strides towards you, if a bit hesitant.

“I thought you didn’t like the place.” She says coming to stand a couple of feet away from you and you smile for the first time in almost a week. 

“I’m a creature of habit.” You tell her because she’s right, you never really enjoyed the coffee here but Lena loves it and you loved to come because it meant spending time with her. 

“So you’ve said a million times.” She teases you and the sadness that envelops you whole almost rivals the feeling of utter relief that’s threatening to make your chest implode. 

“I also enjoy coffee that actually tastes like coffee, y’know?” You retort and she rolls her eyes good naturally with a smile on her crimson lips that seems to breathe life back into you.

Your hands itch to touch her but you don’t reach out and fighting that impulse is almost overwhelming, but you hold back. You convince yourself that this is enough, that breathing again is enough, you can live your life like this if that’s your fate.

“I’ve been meaning to call you.” She says and you know she’s going to say something hurtful because she can’t meet your eyes. “There’s a box of your things in my place.”

“Oh.” You sigh and the word come out sounding shattered as you fight back the need to tell her everything. 

“You can pick it up whenever you’d like. Just text me first.”

“Right, of course.” You nod and after a beat you do reach out to take her hand, against your better judgement at that.

“Kara.” She’s already pulling away but you chase after her touch.

“Lena, please.” She’s squeezing your hand now and she doesn’t know how this simple touch is giving you answers to questions that have been brewing in the back of your mind since the moment she broke off your relationship. How could she after all.

“Let’s not do this in the middle of the street.” She says as you look at her and your skin tingles all over your body. 

“I just miss you so much.” You say and she tries to smile but comes up short. There are dark bags under her eyes and she’s trying not to look at you. 

“I haven’t changed my mind, Kara.” The hand you’re holding in trembling and you inch closer at the same time that she does too. You have no idea how you can go on living without being able to touch this hand every day. 

“I know.” You tell her just as her eyes meet yours. “I wouldn’t dream of pushing you.”

“Kara.” You realize that your name may as well be a prayer in her lips by the way she pronounces it. “The box.”

You watch her take a step away from you, you’re amazed by the way she transforms herself into a fortress right before your eyes.

“Do you want me to pick it up while you’re at work?” Your question makes her lose her breath for a couple of seconds as your skin itches to close the gap between the two of you.

You realize with a start that your mother wasn’t being a hopeless romantic when she often compared your father with a magnet. This impulse is beyond your control and you are going to have to live with it, by yourself. 

“That would be best.” She agrees and you know a goodbye is coming, you know that she’ll be walking away soon and the idea is almost painful enough to make you crumble. 

“Lena.” You say her name and it shouldn’t be a surprise that in your lips the sound of her name also mimics a prayer, but it is and it’s a painful prayer to say when she’s no longer yours. 

“I can’t right now, Kara.” The expression on her face is hard when she tells you this, she’s hurt and she feels betrayed, and you want to fix that desperately.

“I don’t want to stop trying.” You tell her this in hopes that she’ll understand what you’re not actually saying and she almost smiles at you.

“Okay.” She nods and you let out a breath. You put the ball on her court, you gave her the chance to tell you to stay away and she didn’t.

When she turns around you watch her walk away, although she does it hesitantly and slow and you still feel as if she’s stretching the strings of your heart with each step that she takes. 

But that pain doesn’t remain an emotional one, her absence hurts you physically but like every other wound you’ve carried on earth you endure it and walk away in the opposite direction. 

  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

5.

Your day only gets worse after your talk with Lena on your way to work. You find Maggie as soon as you get off the elevator and her demeanor alone is enough to put you on edge. Her worrisome seems to creep into you like a second skin and it only gets stronger when she informs you that she can’t find your sister since last night. 

Your phone ringing and your sister’s name popping on the screen don’t give you the serenity that it should have brought after the news either. 

Alex’s been taken and the kidnapper knows who you are. Supergirl is once again a curse to you.  

“Let’s go.” You want to take off, rip out your shirt and find this bastard. But you’re not wearing anything beneath your work clothes and Maggie is following a step behind you. 

“What did they say?” She asks but you wait until you’re on the roof to look back at her.

“They want me to free Peter Thompson from Albatross Bay.” Her confusion is palpable, you’re confused too but more than that you’re angry, you’re so angry that a part of you, deep inside of you, you don’t want to find this guy because you’re not sure of what you’ll do to him if you do.

“What does that have to do with Alex?” Maggie asks as you pace back and forth. You’re going to need help, you’re going to have to go back to the DEO. You’re going to need J’onn and his resources. If this guy knows who you are then his plan must be close to perfect.

“They took her because of me!” You yell and Maggie startles at hearing your voice.  

“We need to get her back. We need the DEO.” 

You agree. Of course you agree but that doesn’t make it easier to return. 

You discover that Maggie is afraid of something and that something is flying in your arms. She clings to you so hard that her knuckles turn white and you are inclined to tease her about it.

“If you ever mention this.” She threatens you when you land on the DEO and before you even say a word. “I swear, little Danvers.”

You raise your hands in surrender and you’re surprised when she cups your face with both hands after a beat. You continue to be surprised by her ability to sense what exactly is that you need. 

“You’re okay?” She asks and the look on her face is so earnest that you can’t help it if you feel like crumbling all over again. Somehow, and you don’t know when it happened, but she feels safe. “I need your head in the right place, Kara.”

You don’t follow after her when she enters the DEO, not immediately at least. You could  have avoided this, you could have been with Alex when whoever took her attacked her and you could have protected her. You  _ should  _ have protected her.  

You can hear the people inside the building rushing to their computers, you can hear furious typing, you can hear Maggie talking to J’onn, you can hear your friend Winn but you focus harder and push the sounds of this building aside. There is so much noise in this city and the voice that you could always find among the chaos is now silent. 

She just needs to call your name and you’ll listen, like you’ve always been able to listen.

You stay in the balcony for long minutes but you can’t hear your sister. 

You’re not looking for it but Lena’s voice and heartbeat reach your ears so unexpectedly that your eyes snap open and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You can hear her clearly and although all your senses push you towards her you fight that instinct back and you try again for your sister.

Nothing. You can’t hear her. You can’t hear Alex.

When you walk inside the DEO J’onn is looking at you with sympathy that you care not for at the moment. 

“They’re hiding her from me.” You announce at the round table where Mon-El and Winn are also standing close. Most of the DEO agents are eagerly waiting for orders too. All these people care about Alex too and you feel trapped and pushed, you just want to get out there and bring her home. 

“What?” Maggie asks and it’s clear that she’s on the edge of tears, and that only makes your anger grow.

“If they know who I am then they know what they’re doing and they’re hiding her from me.” You speak and you meet J’onn eyes with defiance. Logically you know that he’s not to blame for the consequences of your life choices, or for Alex going missing. But you can’t let go of the anger that consumes you when you’re looking at him and you don’t know why him.

“Why can’t we just release this Peter Thompson guy and bring Alex home?” Mon-El asks and you grit your teeth even before J’onn speaks.

“The DEO does not negotiate with terrorists.” You know he’s right, you do.

“This is Alex.” You growl out anyway.

“If we do it once, we’ll open the floodgates.” He says this calmly because he’s not fighting you and this is not new information for you, he expects you to understand. 

You decide to remain quiet as Maggie tries to be logical and Winn fails to locate Alex’s tracker. There is nowhere to look and the only clue is this Peter Thompson. 

You’re on edge and the harder you try to control yourself, the harder it seems to get. You want to punch something, you want to be punched and your anger only grows when you remember that no one on this planet can do that without hurting themselves. You feel tired, exhausted even. 

You’re a statue as the plan begins to shape and you only move to follow Maggie when she asks you to come. 

Peter Thompson is not an impressive guy and when he continues to smile at every question that J’onn asks you cannot fight back the anger anymore.

“Enough!” You punch the table that separates him from J’onn and his surprise at seeing your fist going through the thick metal gives you a little satisfaction. “Who wants you out of prison?!”

His silence and J’onn voice rattle you and before you know it you’re ripped the table from in between the two of them and Peter Thompson is a shaking mess as you push him against the nearest wall.

“Kara!” You hear Maggie scream but your only focus is on Peter Thompson and his sickening snarl.

“Who has my sister?” You ask him and you’re barely aware of the lone terrified guard pointing his gun at you from the corner of the room. 

“I don’t know.” Peter Thompson says just as J’onn manages to push you away. 

“He’s telling the truth.” He tells you and you remember that he can read minds. You would have known whatever Peter Thompson was hiding even if he didn’t say a thing. Why couldn’t you remember this before?

You leave the cell but not before listening to J’onn begin to explain everything in order to protect your identity. You wish he wouldn’t bother. 

“Hey!” Maggie is quickly catching up to you and she’s quick to pull you around with a strong grip on your forearm. “Losing control is not going to help us find Alex. It’s only going to get her killed.”

“I know.” You deflate as soon as you see her and she’s quick to hug you.

“I need you focused, Kara.  _ Alex  _ needs you focused. We’re going to find her. I know we will.” 

You become dizzy and Maggie’s arms are still hugging you when you lose your footing as well as you consciousness. 

…

You wake up in your apartment with Lena sitting by your bed with a laptop on her lap and you smile to yourself. If it wasn’t for the constant pain in your chest you’d have assumed that you were having a nightmare before because you’ve woken up to this so many times in the past that it feels normal to do so now. 

But you’re so confused by this turn of events that you decide to not disturb her for a little while. Why would she be here? Who could have called her?

You must have passed out in the prison, in Maggie’s arms.

“Hey.” Lena says and the sound of her voice pulls you towards her like a living thing.  “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.” You tell her as you observe her hands hesitate on the edge of the mattress. She doesn’t touch you but having her this close still feels good. She puts the laptop away as she looks at you. 

“They found a lead.” She tells you and you sit up at once. 

Alex is missing. Alex is gone and someone out there targeted her because of you. Because they know that you’re Supergirl, or were. 

You hate that cape. You hate it.

“I need to go.”

“No, you don’t.” She stops you from getting out of bed with her hands on your shoulders and she pushes you down gently while you let her.  “ Rick Malverne. Do you remember him? ”

“Yeah.” You nod confusedly, still trying to place him. “I think he was in high school with us.”

“He’s the one who’s doing this. Peter Thompson is his father. The lead took Maggie to him and now he’s in custody.” She tells you all of this with trepidation and for a moment you truly want to stay here and soak up all her care, but your sister is missing and the person who took her is at the DEO. There is hope. “I’m glad you’re okay, Kara. And I do wish that you find your sister safe and sound.”

You want to prolong her stay just a little bit longer because you do need your head in the game, you need your focus back and now you know how you can have that. 

“Who called you?” You ask as you leave the bed. You pick up your shoes as she picks up her laptop. She’s wearing a blue dress, one that you saw in her closet a little more than a week ago and that you instantly loved. Blue really does suit her better than any other color does. 

“Mike did.” She answers and you roll your eyes at the absurdity of it all. 

“What did he tell you?” You stand and you must show too much in your expression because she becomes suspicious quickly. 

“He called and said that you collapsed out of the blue. He told me that Alex was kidnapped.” She hesitates again and when she reaches out you can almost feel the touch of her hand in your arm, but she ends up taking a step back instead. 

“I’m glad that you’re here.” You tell her sincerely and for a variant of reasons. 

“Yeah, well. Some agents were here before and they did have me sign around fifteen copies of an NDA.”

You chuckle dryly because you can only imagine the trouble that Mon-El went to get Lena in here and you appreciate him a little more for it. 

“Thank you.” You tell her again and you’re not sure what you’re more thankful for. It could be because she was worried about you or maybe it’s because her mere presence is making you feel like yourself again. 

You’re afraid to be away from her, but you don’t say this.

“Kara, you don’t look well.” She says and you can see her concern growing the longer she stares at you. 

“He took her because he knows I’m an alien.” You tell her and she takes a deep breath, at a loss for words. You want to tell her that this is exactly what you were thinking about when you refused to tell her about Supergirl but she’s a smart woman, and you can see her understanding your unspoken words either way. 

“He wants Supergirl to do something for him.”

“I can’t tell you what to do.” She softly says after a beat and it’s clear that being here is too hard for her.

“I know.” You whisper and neither one of you utter another word as she collects her purse and phone, and leaves with a last longing stare at you. 

…

You’re wrong and you discover it the moment you’re about to burn a hole through Rick’s head with your heat vision. 

“Kara!” Maggie is screaming your name again as Rick smirks in your face. 

“Oh, wow. It’s even cooler up close.” He smiles as your vision burns, begging you to let it free. 

You let him go and you leave the interrogation room in a haste. You can’t even remember when you pushed him against the wall. You could have killed him and you wouldn’t have even noticed it before it was too late. 

Outside J’onn is waiting for you. “I tried reading his thoughts.” He says as you blink desperately trying to turn your vision back to normal. “He’s blocking me somehow.”

You decide to stay away from Rick for his own sake and for Alex’s. 

He’s been planning this for a year and he knows all of your tricks. He doesn’t fall for J’onn shapeshifting illusion, he re-routed the IP address that Alex manages to hack into and you end up flying to the middle of nowhere, and only end up making things worse. Your time is running out and Alex is locked in what could very easily become her grave. 

Before going back to the DEO you fly up so high where you can barely even hear the sound of the world beneath you and only then you let your heat vision free as you scream. You want this guy’s head and you can so easily have it.

The thought scares you though and after taking a deep breath, you speed towards L-Corp. 

Lena is holding a meeting in her office with two major partners that you met once at a cocktail party and all of them turn to look at you in shock when the building shakes with the force of your landing. 

You remember that you’re not wearing the cape, you’re wearing a tactical suit, similar to the one Alex always wears. Lena is quick to excuse herself.

“What’s wrong?” She asks with a hurry and when she comes to you she doesn’t hesitate in reaching for your hands this time. 

Her touch is electrifying and you feel her in every inch of your body. You don’t hesitate in pulling her towards you either and you hold her close, so close to you that you’re drinking her in. She seeps into every last fiber of your being and you feel it. 

“Kara, you’re scaring me.” She whispers in your ear as she wraps her arms around your neck to pull you even closer. Your head begins to clear itself and you instantly regret the thought of killing Rick, of killing anyone. You hate the cape, you do, but you don’t ever want to abuse your powers on earth. 

You want to protect earth, you want to protect everyone on earth and you don’t want to forget that. 

“Please.” You beg as you inhale the sweet perfume of her hair and she runs her hands on you hair. You hate that you need her like this, even if you never tell her, even if you don’t ever get back together, you will always need this, you will always need her. 

It’s not fair for neither one of you.

“Tell me.” She tells you as she takes your face and leans back to look into your eyes. 

“I just - I can’t find her.” You choke out and she rubs your cheeks with her thumbs, and you love her, you love her so much.

“Kara, I have faith in you and so does your sister. Do not despair, honey. You will find her. I know you will.”

Her words bring your wild thoughts to a stop and you can see that faith she’s talking about reflected in her eyes, and you believe her.

“Thank you.” You tell her as your chest fills with hope.

“Now go and bring your sister home.” She tells you and you appreciate the order, so you nod decidedly before flying off. 

…

You land at the DEO and you immediately take a laptop before striding right towards Rick’s cell. Maggie is right behind you. 

“Let me talk to her.” You tell him and he only takes a couple of seconds before he’s typing away and your sister’s face comes up on the monitor. 

“Alex!”

“Kara!” She says your name with such emotion that you instantly feel tears gathering up in your eyes. The room where she is is already filling up with water. If you don’t find her soon then she’ll drown where she stands. “I thought you were coming.”

“He played us.” You inform her and she touches the camera as if to console you, and you choke back a sob. Even though she’s the one about to die she’s trying to comfort you.  “Do you have any idea of where you might be?”

“I was unconscious.” She tells you. “I could be hours away or I could be in the city. I don’t know.”

“Alex. It’s Rick.” He interrupts you and you catch yourself before you break his jaw. He’s hidden your sister so well that you can’t hurt him if you ever want to see her again and he knows it. 

“I don’t want to hurt you. I keep on telling your sister that.” He smiles at you and you don’t have to look at Alex to know that she’s just as angry as you feel. “Tell her to get my father, and this can all be over. You can come home and get dry.”

“No. Kara, no!” Alex fiercely tells you but you have other ideas. You can end this now. “You do not give that terrorist what he wants.”

“Alex.” You say her name and you know that you’ll do whatever it takes if it means that she’s safe. 

“Kara, no.” She says again and she’s choking up, you are too. “You cannot let yourself be blackmailed. You cannot open yourself up to that, ever!”

“No.” You disagree and you hate to be this emotional in front of the man who’s doing this to you but you have no other choice.

“Do you understand me, Kara? Supergirl is bigger than me. You are bigger than this.” You sister says and you hate the cape with anew intensity.  

You want to tell her that you don’t care about what the cape represents but your sister’s conviction makes you take pause. Just like Lena said earlier, Alex has faith in you and she’s willing to die for that faith. 

Your sister asks to speak with Maggie alone and you take the opportunity to go out and take off. You fly all over the city, you spy every building in town, every house in the outsides, every facility that seems big enough to hide a compartment made of lead and glass but you can’t find anything suspicious. All the lead lined spaces have already been accounted for, you’ve checked each one of them. 

You try to listen for her but you can’t find her. 

You’re the most incredible being on this earth, you can do things that humans only ever dream of doing and you can’t find the person that is the most important to you besides Lena. 

You’re terrified and you regret your last interaction with Alex, you regret the words that you spat out, you regret hating her for one second. 

When you return to the DEO you find out that Maggie is gone and the clock is ticking. You have an hour before Alex is dead. 

Maggie is at the prison and you find her holding Rick’s dad at gunpoint. You want to do the right thing and honor your sister but you won’t let her die. You manage to make him talk, you and Maggie together, and you remember for a split second what the symbol on your chest stands for.

You fly with Maggie to the place he’s told you about and you instantly see what you didn’t earlier. Alex is unconscious inside of a glass room and you don’t hesitate before hitting the glass with laser beams to free her at once. 

Maggie catches her on the floor and you let her because you can hear Alex pulse and you’re instantly overwhelmbed by the very mortal reality of her life. 

“She’s okay.” Maggie is telling you with tears in her eyes as she continues to touch Alex and your heart aches at the sight. “She’s alright.”

You let them talk and you even move back to give them privacy, but you don’t want to leave your sister out of your sight. You could have lost her and the last thing that you would have said to her is how much you resented her. 

You’re not used to see your sister as tired or as vulnerable, but once she’s on her feet she’s pulling you in her arms with renewed strength and you cannot hold your tears at bay.

“Is alright.” She whispers in your ear as you cling to her damp clothes and you send up a prayer to a God that only you worship. “We’ll be alright.”

You lose count of how many times you tell you’re sorry and she accepts your apologies with nothing but kindness and words of assurement. 

The best part of the day is when Alex punches Rick in the face and sends him straight to the floor. You realize that you’re not willing to come back to the DEO. You don’t want to wear the cape, you don’t. 

It’s only when your sister is in her own bed and Maggie promises to not let her off her sight that you finally find yourself in Lena’s balcony again. You don’t want to think about what could have happened if you didn’t visit her earlier. You don’t want to lose yourself.

“Is Alex alright?” Lena asks as soon as she meets you outside of her office. 

“She’s a badass.” You smile proudly at the memory of your sister never giving up. “She’s alright. She’s at home with Maggie now.”

“I’m glad.” Lena says but her confusion is so clear that you remain silent as she gathers her ideas. “Kara, what happened before?”

You own her an explanation, she deserves one but the truth will only make her feel responsible for you and you don’t want to force her into anything. You don’t want to steal away her freedom. You can survive this, you can overcome this, you can be okay, you must. You are the carrier of this burden, you are the one carrying Krypton on your shoulders, not her. 

“I’m sorry.” You begin and your throat hurts because you don’t want to tell her another lie. “I just needed to see you.”

“I understand.” She concedes, still confused. “Your sister was taken and you were afraid. But Kara, is that all?”

You take a deep breath as your entire body begs you to step closer to the woman you love and you refuse it. This pull won’t go away and you know it, but this pull, this need is yours to bare, not hers. 

“Do you think that we could talk about us sometime?” You ask her and you’re not trying to deflate, but if she ever takes you back then you could tell her and there won’t be any guilt. 

“Kara, I’m not ready to forgive you. I’m sorry.” Her words only manage to make this invisible threat to pull you harder towards her.

“I know.” You say because you do understand her. You broke something so precious with a lie that you didn’t even realize was becoming bigger and bigger. 

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” She says and this time you do take a step closer, making your skin tingle and you blood to rush through your veins. Her presence makes you feel alive. 

“I know I hurt you, Lena. I never wanted to do that.”

“Kara.” Her voice is low, you want her happy, you want her loved. 

“I love you.” You tell her because that’s your true. Her eyes are so bright as she stares at you. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you and that’s not going to change, ever.”

Her eyes water and it’s physically tiring to pull yourself back but you manage and she stares at you with unblinking eyes. 

“Okay.” Is all she says before she walks back inside her office and you’re left wondering if you already said too much. 

  
  



End file.
